Posted on the 26th February 2026

I never knew that there were different forms of abandonment, with each one having a different kind of impact. I just thought abandonment was abandonment; that was the ignorant part of me, before I read more on the topic. The different areas within this topic are vast, and the impact can be severe, especially if there is a lack of awareness and it is left untreated. It can lead into other areas, such as attachment styles, self-worth, self-esteem and more.

I have a vested interest in looking more into this area, personally for me and my sons, and I found that we fall into separate styles of abandonment from each other. Everyone will obviously have different experiences, situations that they have faced and have led them to being impacted by one or more of these forms. As mentioned in a previous blog, “Attaining your goals, much like healing, is not linear,” which mentions how our representational systems, of how we process information, consisting of our primary sensory modalities, will aid in the way we “choose” to handle our traumas.

People can be abandoned in different ways. There is emotional abandonment, when a person is physically present but emotionally unavailable to you. Physical abandonment, is when someone has left physically, whether through walking out, cutting off contact or being absent in a person’s life. Medical abandonment, involves a provider’s failure to support, such as symptoms can be dismissed or a patient relationship can be ended without notice or transition of care. Traumatic abandonment can involve losing a close family member. There are many more forms, and the feelings and emotions that derive from these factors, and how we process and act upon them, can ultimately impact the way we see ourselves, our goals and our journey towards them.

I grew up with a mum who had schizophrenia and even though she was nurturing, she was also emotionally unavailable, as well as us living in an environment that lacked consistency. My gran lived with us in order to look after my mum, me and my brother and I suppose this is where we saw some consistency. My gran and mum taught me and my brother that education was important, so much so that they put us into private school. This is when my mum first suffered from schizophrenia, which I don’t recall at all. I was of the belief that this was because me and my brother boarded at private school, but upon talking with my mum, she said that we did witness it.

The second time was when me and my brother were in high school. I cannot recall a lot, because still to this day I have blocked it out. I have blocked out the majority of bad things that have happened to me in my childhood. There are instances I remember and I believe that comes down to me being in fight mode, of me standing my ground. However, this is my personal opinion, as it’s my own personal experience of how I chose to handle and remember them.

An incident I recall was when my mum was shouting at my brother to go and buy her cigarettes and at about eleven years of age that was not possible and I told her this a couple of times. There was a back and forth between me and my mum, with a lack of understanding, or just ignoring on her side, that he could not go. I don’t know why, but in the end she relented and walked away, just like nothing had happened.

It is scary when someone can go from placid to angry, or angry to placid, in a moment, leaving you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, just waiting for and feeling afraid of when and what will happen next. I believe I have been living in a fight or flight mode for the majority of my life, even until recently. My mum did heal and she got better, so we did not get any more moments like this at home and this enabled my gran to move back to her own home and I’m sure this added to the equation, as well. However, our roles would be reversed and it would be like I was the mother and she was the daughter, taking over my gran’s role, trying to protect my family while still in school, up until now.

I love my mum dearly, but yes, everything we went through, put pressure on our relationship and still to this day, as the dynamics haven’t changed much, I have learnt to accept what happened to me, when I was younger, to take a step back, as she has had a whole life before I was even born, to not put pressure on myself and to understand that I don’t have to fit into one particular mould. Through my experiences, all I ever desired was to be and feel free, to heal from the traumas I’ve suffered through, so at times it feels like I’m going through a tug of war, of trying to propel myself forward and then there are times where the anxiety and depression get me and pull me back.

Abandonment issues can affect our ability to reach our goals, as it also comes from a place of anxiety, leading to low self-worth, low self-esteem, negative core beliefs, a need for validation etc. These beliefs can convince us that we do not deserve certain achievements. This can lead to us questioning whether we are good enough, having imposter syndrome, self-sabotage and procrastination etc., interfering in us reaching our goals. Building our self-awareness, changing those negative habits, seeking professional help and being consistent with it, in order to have a better, happier life and future, is the goal, as ignoring it is not an option. Yes, it can be a long journey for some, but we need to put in the work to achieve it and step outside our comfort zone to take risks, otherwise what is the alternative?

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